At this point in my life, I don’t think I’d be that impressed if real zombies started roaming the world… unless they were porno zombies that were looking to eat cock/pussy instead of brains. Ok fine, they can still crave brains, but I definitely need to see some fucking first. A sexy bits appetizer, if you will. Bone appétit! I think this means that I’ve officially watched way too much zombie porn this season, but really, is there such a thing as too much zombie porn? I think not… especially since Halloween is tomorrow!
Since we’re on the topic, let’s talk about a little zombie porn etiquette 101. Just because you call your movie “zombie porn” doesn’t actually make it so. First off, I want to see my zombie action in the proper venues. Zombies don’t fuck in bedrooms – definitely not ones with tacky bedspreads and awful motel art. They get busy in graveyards, abandon houses and basements. Anywhere dirty and creepy. I’m really glad that Zombie Nation keeps it real and has their undead pervs screwing in the correct places. These zombies even screw in an abandoned church! If that’s not the most fitting thing ever, I don’t know what is (I won’t go into the whole Jesus was a zombie thing – I’ll just say that he rose from the dead. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.).
Secondly, if I’m watching zombie porn, those fuckers need to look like the pale, grotesque undead that they are. I need ashen skin with green tints and mangled, holey clothes… well at least until they take them off. I love love love that this flick actually shows the zombies coming right out of the ground. With dirt on their clothes and all! And even their scantily clad zombies in stripper heels look like they’ve actually been resting in peace. See, you can be returning from six feet under and still be sexy!
And lastly, to keep me happy and horny, those zombies better be moving like a zombie would! When it comes to the sex, I want them to be fucking like a rock star, but when they walk, it better be shaky and look like they are desperately seeking brains. Yeah, I know there was a trend a few years back to make zombies all fast and shit, but that is so not the fodder of a true zombie enthusiast… especially not a zombie porn lover.
Nope, my creatures of the night better be walking like newborn puppies – all stumbles and disorientation. I mean really, you don’t rise from the netherworld and saunter around. It’s just not natural. Again, Zombie Nation passes with flying colors. These folks walk like the geriatric – just like they should! And they fuck like athletes! At this point, I don’t even really need to go into details of the sex – it’s all awesome.
If you watch one zombie fuck flick this Halloween season (or any time really) this is the one. Well, this or Re-Penetrator, but you already knew that. Happy Halloween!
-J.D. Bauchery
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It took me a while to pick this movie out of the bunch to review for today. Halloween reviews are some of my favorite of the year, and I wanted to be sure I was choosing something especially scary/amazing. I literally stopped and started 4 or 5 movies because they just weren’t right. I mean really, there was one that didn’t get down and dirty until 30 minutes in. While that’s usually fine, this important review needs a little something more. Something like Queen of the Porno Zombies! Seriously, this movie could a video of anything with a name as awesome as that! And we get Heather Hunter, a big-haired beauty with a body made for porno thrills… porno zombie thrills, that is. This is win-win all around!
After a Frankenstein-esque experience of accidentally getting zapped while watching a mad scientist zap another woman, med student Hunter becomes a sex machine, looking to get busy wherever she can. Though Hunter isn’t the best of actresses, she’s pretty hot in a totally mid-90s porno way, which is what makes it for me. Plus, her scenes are full of lots of close-ups, which I like… and which masks the awful ‘90s sets. Good job killing those two birds.
I think my favorite scene of this flick has to be scene 4, where Hunter is fucking the other zapped woman. Holy big hair humping! You can barely see their tits under all that hair! Must have been all that electricity in that zapping!
I love that this movie randomly goes back and forth into stock horror movie footage. It breaks up the scenes and keeps the non-sexin’ parts interesting and fun. I honestly might have cut the bad ‘90s techno music, but hey, I guess I can’t have it all, right.
I’ll admit that there was nothing scary or particular zombie-ish about this movie, which was definitely a disappointment, but really, how disappointed can you be when there is hot sex involved? And as I said above, the name was really what got me in the door, and I’m stickin’ to it! As long as I got naked folks gettin’ it on, It’s smooth sailing. No gore I can deal with, but when there is no sex – that’s when I flip the channel.
-J.D. Bauchery
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This month’s Top Fives are all about everything undead and totally gruesome. So, what better to get ready for the scariest day of the year (no, not April 15th, though that is pretty horrifying) than continuing the tradition with a few wickedly sexy witches?
Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble. Double, double, toil and trouble, something wicked this way comes.
Those witches must have caught a sneak peek at this list!
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The Coven: Porn goddess Janine needs a personal sex slave for her sexy witch coven? Where do I sign up?!? |
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Club Satan – The Witches Sabbath:Extreme 2.0 bring us an actual satanic black mass full of sexual deviance and taboo. I get chills just reading the description! |
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The Witches of Sappho Salon:Sexy lesbo witches open a trendy hair salon in NYC, which they use to prey on young virgins. Sounds like the premise of a really gruesome new reality show. Want to watch! |
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The Witchfinder: “The Crucible,” but way better. Authur Miller never imagined how great this story would be if he added bondage, whips and some femdom action! |
Hope I got your cauldrons boiling over!
xoxo
-J.D. Bauchery
ps. I know this is a day late, but it’s definitely not a dollar short! Enjoy!
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Vampires are all over the place these days. From Tru Blood to all the Twilight uproar, these creatures of the night have totally taken center stage in the realm of the undead and, in my opinion, are kicking zombies to the curb. Sure, I could be bias. Right now I am in the middle of editing this gay teen vampire love story (gotta love random freelance projects), so I’ve been pretty much inundated with these bloodsuckers day in and out. And to back my vamp lovin’ up even farther, I found a list of vampire porns on the internet. See – everybody loves a Nosferatu.
Inspired by all that, plus the fact that it is the haunting month, I’ve decided to bring you my top five vampire porns! Get ready to get your suck on! Read the rest of this entry »
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Yay its Halloween! Ok – not quite yet it isn’t, but it is October and as I’m a girl who loves absolutely everything that goes with the month of October, from the chill in the air down to that extra special scare. I thought I’d kick this month’s reviews off with a subject near and dear to everyone’s heart this year – zombies! Hopefully “Porn of the Dead” will scare you right out of your pants and straight into a willing partner’s arms.
Ok, the opener is certainly creepy enough to do most horror movies good credit (and I’m totally in love with the back cover art). It seems there’s an illness going around that turns the skin black and makes people bleed out of strange places. An erstwhile hero picks one of these infected people up, sticks them in a car, takes them home and then strangles them to death in a pit. All apparently so he can perform some kind of experiments on the body. Of course she comes back to life with an appetite – for cock. This is both horribly corny and awesome all at the same time.
Read the rest of this entry »
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Joanna Angel is goin’ mainstream! And not just “mainstream” mainstream, but indie horror movie mainstream – which seems like it would be totally up this alt porn queen’s alley. Joining the cast of “Haunting Kira,” Angel is taking on the role of Cindy Sinn - who apparently seduces another girl in a bathroom stall (big stretch for Joanna, right?)
“Could we do a Sin City zombie film without at least one porn star?” producer Chad Clinton Freeman said. “Seriously though, Joanna Angel is a perfect fit for our film. ‘Haunting Kira’ is an exploration into diversity, individuality and identity and she’s an entrepreneur that got where she is by doing things her own way.”
And of course Joanna already knows her way around a horror flick, starring in some of the goriest movies in porn – including Burning Angel’s Re-Penetrator and The XXXorcist.
Ooooh, I hope she turns out to be a zombie!
xoxo
-J.D. Bauchery
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