Happy Halloween! We are back at the spooky time of year where haunting and hot get together for a roll in the hay. While a good scare can get our blood pumping almost as well as a mind-blowing orgasm, I prefer to look at Halloween as the perfect time to bring your most exciting fantasies to life with the magic of role playing! Bringing costumes and props into the bedroom is a great way to have even more fun during sex. It’s the perfect opportunity to try something new! Fancy a shag with a scantily clad French maid? Go for it! What about being the cop to your own barely dressed bandit? Don’t forget the handcuffs!
Not only can you rely on this time of year to easily find costumes of all of your bedroom needs, you can find sexy versions of everything, from nurses to nuns! All you have to do is open the package (I love a good pun!) and there you go – a completely sexy witch set in 2 seconds flat. The second best part of using the Halloween store to your sex life’s advantage is that while those costumes can be a pretty penny, they will be way less money than anything you could buy at sex toy stores or lingerie shops any other time of the year. And in these economic times, saving money is the sexiest thing of all!
Whether you are testing the role playing waters or a skilled pro looking for a few new tricks to treat your partner to, follow these terrifyingly helpful tips for bringing the bounty of the season into your bedroom!
- Forget about rushing to the store as soon as it opens in August. Head to the costume shop on Halloween, or especially the day after, to get the best deals on stores’ extra inventory. While the selection may not be as stellar as the first day they hit the shelves, the 75% off clearance tag will surely dry your tears. Read the rest of this entry »
It’s almost Halloween and I can’t tell you how excited I am! I think we are finally ready for the big day. Let’s see… Bought candy? Check! Made awesome costume? Check! Carved pumpkin? Tonight! Annnnd… watched our entire catalog of horror porn? Double Check!
Yep, we are definitely ready for tomorrow! We just need one last thing to really get this hauntingly hot holiday off to a great start! Mixtape Rewind, of course!
Today’s pick serves three important fuctions:
1. It gives detailed instructions for survival during the inevitable zombie uprising. Always a smart idea!
2. It’s a damn catchy tune.
3. It allows me to introduce you to the greatness that is Leslie and the Lys!
This seems to be a totally win situation all around!
At this point in my life, I don’t think I’d be that impressed if real zombies started roaming the world… unless they were porno zombies that were looking to eat cock/pussy instead of brains. Ok fine, they can still crave brains, but I definitely need to see some fucking first. A sexy bits appetizer, if you will. Bone appétit! I think this means that I’ve officially watched way too much zombie porn this season, but really, is there such a thing as too much zombie porn? I think not… especially since Halloween is tomorrow!
Since we’re on the topic, let’s talk about a little zombie porn etiquette 101. Just because you call your movie “zombie porn” doesn’t actually make it so. First off, I want to see my zombie action in the proper venues. Zombies don’t fuck in bedrooms – definitely not ones with tacky bedspreads and awful motel art. They get busy in graveyards, abandon houses and basements. Anywhere dirty and creepy. I’m really glad that Zombie Nation keeps it real and has their undead pervs screwing in the correct places. These zombies even screw in an abandoned church! If that’s not the most fitting thing ever, I don’t know what is (I won’t go into the whole Jesus was a zombie thing – I’ll just say that he rose from the dead. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.).
Secondly, if I’m watching zombie porn, those fuckers need to look like the pale, grotesque undead that they are. I need ashen skin with green tints and mangled, holey clothes… well at least until they take them off. I love love love that this flick actually shows the zombies coming right out of the ground. With dirt on their clothes and all! And even their scantily clad zombies in stripper heels look like they’ve actually been resting in peace. See, you can be returning from six feet under and still be sexy!
And lastly, to keep me happy and horny, those zombies better be moving like a zombie would! When it comes to the sex, I want them to be fucking like a rock star, but when they walk, it better be shaky and look like they are desperately seeking brains. Yeah, I know there was a trend a few years back to make zombies all fast and shit, but that is so not the fodder of a true zombie enthusiast… especially not a zombie porn lover.
Nope, my creatures of the night better be walking like newborn puppies – all stumbles and disorientation. I mean really, you don’t rise from the netherworld and saunter around. It’s just not natural. Again, Zombie Nation passes with flying colors. These folks walk like the geriatric – just like they should! And they fuck like athletes! At this point, I don’t even really need to go into details of the sex – it’s all awesome.
If you watch one zombie fuck flick this Halloween season (or any time really) this is the one. Well, this or Re-Penetrator, but you already knew that. Happy Halloween!
Happy Halloween Humpday! Welcome back to the mid-week stretch. It’s the Wednesday before my favorite holiday, and I couldn’t be more excited. I finally finished buying the pieces of my costume last night and I can’t wait to put it all together! I’m not going to ruin the surprise, but just know that my first choice was sold out. Oh well, at least I don’t have to worry about my fish thigh highs (WTF) falling down. Anyway, Happy Halloween – it’s time for some link lovin’!
- Forget that post sex snuggle or smoke, a new study found that 36% of people under the age of 35 tweet, text or go on Facebook after sex. Is it right after, like still covered in cum, or after like after getting dressed? And I wonder if they are tweet/txt/fb about the actual sexin’, or if it’s unrelated social networking… and I wonder which is better. (via SUNfiltered)
- These Twilight underpants are seriously the scariest thing I’ve seen this Halloween season. Did they really need to put his mouth directly on the side of the crotch? FAIL. Read the rest of this entry »
It took me a while to pick this movie out of the bunch to review for today. Halloween reviews are some of my favorite of the year, and I wanted to be sure I was choosing something especially scary/amazing. I literally stopped and started 4 or 5 movies because they just weren’t right. I mean really, there was one that didn’t get down and dirty until 30 minutes in. While that’s usually fine, this important review needs a little something more. Something like Queen of the Porno Zombies! Seriously, this movie could a video of anything with a name as awesome as that! And we get Heather Hunter, a big-haired beauty with a body made for porno thrills… porno zombie thrills, that is. This is win-win all around!
After a Frankenstein-esque experience of accidentally getting zapped while watching a mad scientist zap another woman, med student Hunter becomes a sex machine, looking to get busy wherever she can. Though Hunter isn’t the best of actresses, she’s pretty hot in a totally mid-90s porno way, which is what makes it for me. Plus, her scenes are full of lots of close-ups, which I like… and which masks the awful ‘90s sets. Good job killing those two birds.
I think my favorite scene of this flick has to be scene 4, where Hunter is fucking the other zapped woman. Holy big hair humping! You can barely see their tits under all that hair! Must have been all that electricity in that zapping!
I love that this movie randomly goes back and forth into stock horror movie footage. It breaks up the scenes and keeps the non-sexin’ parts interesting and fun. I honestly might have cut the bad ‘90s techno music, but hey, I guess I can’t have it all, right.
I’ll admit that there was nothing scary or particular zombie-ish about this movie, which was definitely a disappointment, but really, how disappointed can you be when there is hot sex involved? And as I said above, the name was really what got me in the door, and I’m stickin’ to it! As long as I got naked folks gettin’ it on, It’s smooth sailing. No gore I can deal with, but when there is no sex – that’s when I flip the channel.
We’ve been highlighting our favorite zombie, vamp and witch movies over the past few week and now that it’s the Tuesday before Halloween, I thought I would take this opportunity to highlight the best of the best evil pornos we’ve reviewed in years past. You’ll see that we’re reviewing all new movies all week, but I just have to point out some of the amazing flicks we’re blogged about before.
The XXXorcist: This movie is why I do posts like this. I had totally forgotten about it even though I freaking loved it the first time I saw it. After further review, it’s still freaking awesome. It’s basically everything a Halloween porno should be and stars Joanna Angel!
My Girlfriend’s A Vampire: If demon vomit isn’t your thing, you might want to check out this spoof starring Ava Rose and Evan Stone. This one is both sexy and funny – perfect for a night in with your favorite Buffy fan! There’s always an amazing squirting scene with Britney Stevens that I have to point out again.
Ladies Of The Night – Les Vampyres: This list is totally making me realize how eclectic my tastes in adult are! I have to say that I love everything Maria Beatty does and this one is no exception. It’s slow, seductive and one that’s pretty sure to get you laid. You don’t want to miss these two women as they tease and torture their captive before finally giving into their desires and drinking from her. so hot!
Ejacula: How could I leave out a movie that has Ron Jeremy playing a hunchback? This one is a classic that features a ton of big stars and a great set. Lynn LeMay, one of my favorite old school ladies, is amazing in this hot horror porno.
Re-Penetrator: I already talked about this one last week, but I just have to include it on this list. Once again – Joanna Angel + Tommy Pistol + Blood + Zombies = 1 hell of an All Hallows Even porno. If you haven’t seen it, you really should
I’m a big fan of vampires, so I’ve seen a lot of the blood-sucker smut on the site and had to spend some time seeking out something actually worth reviewing! After looking around, I found this short clip that is both sexy and stupid – two things I tend to love in my XXX.
First, let me talk about Darian Caine and Misty Mundae. I’m going to admit that I didn’t really look at their faces, but these girls have some tight little bodies! The scene is shot really well – it’s slow, seductive and the natural lighting is great.
Now, some of you may have noticed I said “natural lighting.” I told you that this one was both sexy AND stupid. I am assuming these girls are vampires. They have blood around their mouths and it’s a movie about Dracula. So, how is it then that these girls are screwing in the sunlight?? I blame the Twilight series for totally distorting vampire mythology to the point where this is acceptable. Those girls should have burst into flames – I’ve seen every buffy episode like three times and I know how these things work.
If you enjoy a good laugh in the middle of a sex scene, you have to see, or rather hear, the best part. For some reason, the background track sounds like an ocean, and while one of the girls is getting fingered, she totally sounds like a seagull. I’m all for making lots of noise, but it’s one of the most hilarious unintentional things I’ve seen in a porno in a while.
I admit that I spent most of this review pointing out the ridiculous aspects of this one, but if this were playing at a bar with no sound, I would think it was super hot!
I got another porno request and this one looked kind of gross so I decided to indulge in “Scary Sex Movie” The cover art is definitely living up to the title but I wonder if the sex does too? Only one way to find out.
Hmm, ok the “Phantasm” background music in the opener, I’m in love. But wait, it’s not in English! Ok, maybe I give my heart away a little too easily. Liberal use of my favorite horror movie theme song just can’t make up for the fact that I can’t follow the plot. And I think this one has a plot, something involving priests and demons and the Vatican! I think. I only understand one word in twenty and the second sex scene involves a completely non priestly or even mildly demonic couple in the woods. A much hotter scene overall with none of the gross face paint and much hotter models overall. Then something horrible comes from the woods!
This month’s Top Fives are all about everything undead and totally gruesome. So, what better to get ready for the scariest day of the year (no, not April 15th, though that is pretty horrifying) than continuing the tradition with a few wickedly sexy witches?
Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble. Double, double, toil and trouble, something wicked this way comes.
Those witches must have caught a sneak peek at this list!
The Coven: Porn goddess Janine needs a personal sex slave for her sexy witch coven? Where do I sign up?!?
Club Satan – The Witches Sabbath:Extreme 2.0 bring us an actual satanic black mass full of sexual deviance and taboo. I get chills just reading the description!
The Witches of Sappho Salon:Sexy lesbo witches open a trendy hair salon in NYC, which they use to prey on young virgins. Sounds like the premise of a really gruesome new reality show. Want to watch!
The Witchfinder: “The Crucible,” but way better. Authur Miller never imagined how great this story would be if he added bondage, whips and some femdom action!
