I’ve never had an orgasm with my boyfriend when we were having sex. I can cum in 30 seconds when it’s just me alone masturbating, but when I have sex with him it feels great, I just can’t climax. Is there anything I can do to be able to orgasm with him?
- Phrustrated in Philly
Philadelphia, PA
This is where I climb to the roof of this building at shout on the top of my lungs about the clitoris!
It is a common misconception among men and women that both partners should be able to orgasm during straight up PIV sex – that’s penis in vagina sex – but in reality 65-70% of women can’t cum from vaginal stimulation alone (oh, and just so you know, that statistic is based off of penile thrusting, which, for some women, can stimulate their clitoris as well). Enter in our good friend the clitoris! The only organ in the human body (both male and female) that’s only job is pleasure, the clitoris (or clit) has all the juicy little nerve endings that the male penis head, packed into a little nub the size of a pea – though that is only the external part of the clitoris, which is like an iceberg – you can only see 10% of it about the water. The clitoris is actually much larger than shown, as has legs (called the crura) it extends all the way down the sides of the vulva internally as well!
*I just wanted to note that because this question came with no specifics, I am going to assume that the questioner is talking about PIV sex, though this answer can be helpful for other kinds of sex as well, including strap on sex, finger-fucking, anal, etc.
Anyway, back to the task at hand (literally)! As many women cannot orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone, it can sometimes help to include clitoral stimulation during penetration. There are a few ways to bring the clit into the mix that can help make “ohhh” in “OOOOOOOOOOHHH!” First up is asking your partner to touch your clit during sex. Guide his hand to your clit and show his fingers exactly what you like and how you like to be touched.
Or touch yourself! In my experiences, I have yet to meet someone who doesn’t get totally hot off watching their partner jerk off, whether incorporated into sex play or just flying solo. Try running your hands over your body, touching yourself all over until you reach your clit. Then stay there an enjoy!
And let’s not forget about toys! Bringing a vibrator into the bedroom (or kitchen, or den.) can be an awesome addition to sex. Not only can a vibe help stimulate your clit, it can also feel great for his penis as he is trusting in and out of you. You can even tease him by putting the vibe on his balls or right behind them in a spot called the perineum, which can feel amazing for him.
Let’s talk for a second about the nervous factor. Many people, men or women, are totally mortified by the idea of masturbating in front of their partner. While it can seem scary to open this part of your life to your partner (especially for women, as masturbation is such a taboo), try thinking about it this way: Anyone who is worth having sex with should care about making sure that everyone leaves satisfied. If they aren’t interested in your pleasure, are they really worth sleeping with in the first place? Plus, watching someone actually get off is so much hotter for both of you!
Yes is can seem nerve-wracking to touch yourself in front of him, but try starting off slowing, a few minutes of rubbing your breast here, run your hand down your body there. Rub your clit for a few second and show him how much you like it, then stop and do something else, then go back to your clit, building up how long you touch yourself, until you are touching your clit to orgasm. Hey, you never know, maybe he’ll see how hot you get and beg you to keep going!
Incorporating your clit into penetrative sex can be a fun, sexy and definitely rewarding activity for both of you. Try not to let your nerves get into way of getting you off! Have fun and remember that us chicks have a pleasure center for one reason and one reason only – to use it!
Women’s bodies are a wonderful thing!
-J.D. Bauchery
