Studio: Television X Category: Features

At this point in my life, I don’t think I’d be that impressed if real zombies started roaming the world… unless they were porno zombies that were looking to eat cock/pussy instead of brains. Ok fine, they can still crave brains, but I definitely need to see some fucking first. A sexy bits appetizer, if you will. Bone appétit! I think this means that I’ve officially watched way too much zombie porn this season, but really, is there such a thing as too much zombie porn? I think not… especially since Halloween is tomorrow!

Since we’re on the topic, let’s talk about a little zombie porn etiquette 101. Just because you call your movie “zombie porn” doesn’t actually make it so. First off, I want to see my zombie action in the proper venues. Zombies don’t fuck in bedrooms – definitely not ones with tacky bedspreads and awful motel art. They get busy in graveyards, abandon houses and basements. Anywhere dirty and creepy. I’m really glad that Zombie Nation keeps it real and has their undead pervs screwing in the correct places. These zombies even screw in an abandoned church! If that’s not the most fitting thing ever, I don’t know what is (I won’t go into the whole Jesus was a zombie thing – I’ll just say that he rose from the dead. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.).

Secondly, if I’m watching zombie porn, those fuckers need to look like the pale, grotesque undead that they are. I need ashen skin with green tints and mangled, holey clothes… well at least until they take them off. I love love love that this flick actually shows the zombies coming right out of the ground. With dirt on their clothes and all! And even their scantily clad zombies in stripper heels look like they’ve actually been resting in peace. See, you can be returning from six feet under and still be sexy!

And lastly, to keep me happy and horny, those zombies better be moving like a zombie would! When it comes to the sex, I want them to be fucking like a rock star, but when they walk, it better be shaky and look like they are desperately seeking brains. Yeah, I know there was a trend a few years back to make zombies all fast and shit, but that is so not the fodder of a true zombie enthusiast… especially not a zombie porn lover.

Nope, my creatures of the night better be walking like newborn puppies – all stumbles and disorientation. I mean really, you don’t rise from the netherworld and saunter around. It’s just not natural. Again, Zombie Nation passes with flying colors. These folks walk like the geriatric – just like they should! And they fuck like athletes! At this point, I don’t even really need to go into details of the sex – it’s all awesome.

If you watch one zombie fuck flick this Halloween season (or any time really) this is the one. Well, this or Re-Penetrator, but you already knew that. Happy Halloween!

-J.D. Bauchery

Watch “Zombie Nation” Now!